I told my daughter she shouldn’t drink alcohol at a young age because drunk ass Maurice painted our kitchen, our living room and our dining room for half a bottle of wine. I was able to teach her two lessons: one was the evils of alcohol and two was how …

— Your refrigerator holds more solid foods than liquids.— You’ve lost the thread on your favorite soap opera.— 8 a.m. means shower and shave, not wake and bake.— You file taxes with more than three digits.— You hear your favorite songs in doctor’s waiting rooms and when you’re on hold …

Here’s the great thing about raising a kid in a rough neighborhood. You don’t have to have these little metaphors about why not to do things. If I don’t want her to do drugs, I just go, ‘Look, see? That’s why — ’cause Crackhead Phil lives in my hallway.’

— The Littlest Pawn: A Custody Battle— Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share— The Curious Immigrant and the High-Voltage Fence— Some Hobos Can Be Kind— Why You Are Up for Adoption— Grandpa Gets a Casket— 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool — The Magic …

It was actually very strange growing up because both my parents are actors, so they were always worried that we wouldn’t create a scene.

“Mommy, the kids all say we’re aliens from outer space. That’s not true, is it?” “Vegl dibrogmrn di shtrtl mixtor!”

Q: What is red and orange and knocks you over? A: Tackle Me Elmo.

I’m a Jersey girl myself. I grew up there as a latchkey kid. You guys know what that is? It’s like a legal term for neglect.

My wife and I are discussing whether we’re going to spank our child or not. I say wait ’til she does something wrong.

The baby came out, and they said, ‘What is it, Dad?’ And I had no idea. I’ve seen women before; it looked nothing like this. They’re swollen in certain places. I said, ‘I don’t know what it is. It’s ours. We’ll love it. We’ll keep it. Don’t put it back.’