It’s every man in here’s job tonight to go home and plug himself in and be a heat rock, so when that lovely, cold-blooded iguana decides she wants to come to bed, she’s got a nice, warm place to roast her frozen tootsies on your torso all night.

I wish I was black — that way I could start dating you white girls again.

Anybody get a random bitch phone call? Oh, you know what I mean. The women that found the phone number, then call it. This woman called me up, talking about, ‘Look, I don’t know who you is, but I found your phone number in my man’s pocket. And you better …

I hate ‘The Bachelor,’ ‘The Bachelor’ and ‘The Bachelorette.’ You know why? ‘Cause all them women don’t represent. All them women are cute, prissy, soft-spoke, little prissy girls. I can’t stand it. Women like that can get married anyway, that’s no challenge. I want to see a show with loud, …

Deep down inside, guys are jealous of you ’cause we know you’re the only creatures God created to be loving and caring and strong enough to give us the greatest gift in the world and that’s a human life. And I don’t get laid at home unless I say that …

It’s pretty cool being married, but you change. I used to love to hunt and shoot stuff and kill stuff, and then I got married, and now I’m more in touch with my feminine side. I still kill stuff; I just wear pumps.

I was gonna do that mail order bride thing. You don’t know, because if you ain’t home and your neighbor signs for her, she’s out there mowing his lawn.

After an hour of gathering up his courage, a shy guy finally approaches the hot girl at the end of the bar. “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”She yells, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight, you pig!”Everyone in the bar stops and stares. …

Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? A: In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.

Marriage is an institution. You know, it’s a commitment. And you don’t get to leave an institution, especially once you’re committed.