You have to field some tough questions when you’re a parent, though. My kids came back from visiting my grandmother recently, and they’re like, ‘Dad, does Nana really have to die?’ I’m like, ‘Well, she did commit a capital crime. Those are the rules.’

Now that I’m a dad, I’ll call my dad, ask for advice. He always says the same thing, ‘How’d you get this number?’

A young mother was having a consultation with a doctor. As they spoke, her Little Johnny could clearly be heard terrorizing the people in the waiting room – yet she made no attempt to restrain him. Soon they heard some clattering in an adjoining room, but still she did nothing. …

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!” The cop asked, “What’s he like?” The little boy replied, “Beer and women with big boobs.”

It is near the end of the school year.  The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this. Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to …

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling. She explained, “I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, …

I walked up the stairs, and I remember thinking, ‘I am the man. I am a drinker.’ And I walked by the bathroom at the top of the stairs, and the toilet looked at me, and I looked at the toilet, and I said, ‘I got away with it.’ And …

Q: Why did the little girl fall off the swing?A: She had no arms.

What did the lima bean say before it went into the pot? Sufferin’ succotash!

My dad used to use his police psychology on us. We would be outside playing; my father would come home from work and say things to me like, ‘Lewis, come here. I thought I told you to mow the lawn.’ ‘Well father, I forgot.’ My dad looked at me, ‘Well, …