My wife was in labor for 24 hours. Hey, it wasn’t my fault — I told her to hurry up.

One time, I got beat up by a kid named Jesus. And when you’re seven, you can’t tell the difference between Jesus, typical Puerto Rican name in your neighborhood, and Jesus, the actual savior. So I was walking around all confused — you know, guilty. What had I done that …

Why’d the boy eat his homework? His teacher told him it was a piece of cake!

Tonight, I’m just going to sing you a song. It’s a song I wrote for my twin brother, and that’s no joke, I do have a twin brother. I wrote this song for him when he was eight years old, and at the time, I was — eight.

I got whupped so much, sometimes I hated to see my mother coming. I’m having fun with my brothers, my sisters, my friends — my mother pulls up, and I’m thinking, ‘Dang! Why she keep coming here? Can’t she just drop off the food and stay at work?’

Here’s another sign of getting older, boy: you find yourself saying and doing things your parents said and did. You can’t help it. You turn right into your folks, right? I’m saying stuff my dad would say to me. He would say stuff like, ‘I want you to have the …

When I was little, my dad used to tell me, for my birthday, he’s gonna take me out and show me a good time. Couldn’t sleep all night — he’s gonna show me a good time. So, we get up at eight o’clock in the morning, get in the car, …

Q: Who’s bigger, Mr. Bigger or his baby? A:The baby — he’s a little Bigger.

Little kids are smarter than grownups. Let me tell you something — I have a niece; when this child was five, I’m thinkin’ she’s just a baby. Oh, no — she walked up to me, she said, ‘Aunty, do you know what lesbians are?’ I said, ‘Do you?’ She said, …

A very tall ninth grader was acting up in class. His teacher told him, “Act your age, not your shoe size.” The boy looked down at his size 14 shoes and said, “But they’re the same.”