Certain large people should not wear certain clothing. That’s all there is to it. She was wearing one of those designer sweatshirts that say ‘Guess’ written across the front. Four or five kids behind me go, ‘250?’ ‘275?’

Yo’ Mama is so old, when I told her to act her age, she died.

This girl had a tube top that said, ‘Hottie.’ I was thinking, ‘This bitch has a good sense of humor.’ ‘Sweaty’ might have been a better word. I don’t know how big she was, but she had a tube top, those little hip huggers — looked like a can of …

I look at divorce this way: it’s better to have loved and lost, then have to live with that bitch for the rest of my life.

Just ’cause something’s in style, doesn’t mean everybody ought to wear it. I’m a fan of the tube top, but even a tire has a pressure limit.

I love Wal-Mart, that’s my favorite store. Yeah, I don’t shop there — I just go there when I’m depressed. You don’t need Prozac. Just five minutes in there, you’re like, ‘Damn, my life ain’t that bad.’

Pauly Shore gets better ass than our president.

You got Hillary running for senate. Yeah, that’s what America needs — another white male senator.

Yo’ Mama is so nasty, she can sit on a lollipop and guess its flavor.

Mormons — man, that is one ‘m’ away from ‘morons.’