Women do not age pretty. We just fall the hell apart.

If someone ever says, “What are you staring at?” Say “I don’t know, give me a minute.”

Three Englishmen drink in a bar and spot an Irishman in the corner.The first Englishman starts to taunt the Irishman, “Did you know that St. Patrick was a sissy?”“Oh, no, I didn’t know that. Thank you.”The second Englishman yells, “Did you know that St. Patrick was a transvestite?”“Oh, no, I …

Did you hear the new penalty for speeding in Illinois? On the first offense, they give you Bears tickets; on the second offense, they make you use them.

Q: How’d the redneck get lost in space?A: He rolled down the window to spit out his chaw.

Two ladies, a Yankee and a Southern Belle, are sitting next to each other on a plane. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, “So, where y’all from?”The Yankee replies, “I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition.”Without missing a beat, …

Yo’ Mama is so lazy, she stuck her nose out the window and let the wind blow it.

Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? A: In a catalogue.

Yo’ Mama is so hairy, she’s suing the Velcro makers for personal injury.

Yo’ Mama is so hairy, when she gave birth, you got rug burn.