I realize, you know, you’re on your knees praying and everything, but you got a beautiful ass, you know that? No, no, no, I don’t mean that — I mean that religiously, you know? I’m not trying to offend you. You’ve got an ass like an altar, you know what …

My girl Puerto Rican, man, and I don’t think her family understands me. All they know is that I’m black and do comedy. They be calling me Eddie Murphy.

Interracial dating is becoming more popular. I see people dating, man — different cultures, different ethnic groups, different religions, man. ‘Cause people looking for love! They ain’t got time to wait for the colors to match.

The best part of Nintendo were the codes. We had codes that got us to the end of the game immediately. Why can’t we have that in real life? Just once I’d like to be on a date with a chick, when she starts talking about her cats and she’s …

What are you talking about ‘not getting yours’? How about earlier that night when you ate and drank for free, you got yours.

I have a boyfriend, so I started reading Cosmo Magazine for tips. Here’s a tip: don’t do that.

Good news: I have a boyfriend. But the bad news is I’m not good in relationships. I get all jealous. I don’t even like to see my boyfriend talking to his wife.

I had gonorrhea in February — I know, I was shocked as well. I didn’t have any typical symptoms. The only symptom I had was a searing earache from my girlfriend screaming at me for giving her gonorrhea.

Whatever happened to the good old days when a boy could meet a girl just by attacking her village?

Last Thursday, there’s an ambulance outside my house, loading a body in. So, I go up to the cop at the door and say, ‘What’s going on?’ He says, ‘Looks like your wife committed suicide.’ I’m thinking, ‘Oh great. Right before the weekend.’ So I go down to the morgue …