I like people, I just don’t like making friends. And here’s why — you ever made a friend, and after hanging out with them for a while, you start to realize that they’re kind of stupid, and y’all don’t have nothing in common? But by that time, it’s too late, …

Yo’ Mama is so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.

You know, the thing about your family is you’re connected forever by blood relation to a group of folks who are really not your kind of people.

Yo’ Mama is so fat, she has an echo in her belly button.

Yo’ Mama is so stupid, she thought Johnny Cash was a pay toilet.

Not a very tough country, huh? They got an army; they just didn’t give them guns or anything. Look at the Canadian flag — it’s not a symbol of power, it’s a leaf. Oh, don’t screw with Canada. They’ll dry up and blow away.

Yo’ Mama is so fat, a beeper goes off whenever she backs up.

Yo’ Mama is so stupid, she couldn’t buy “Guess” jeans because she didn’t know the answer.

My next door neighbor’s the Keebler Elf. Oh, I hate that little prick. He keeps me up at night making cookies in his tree. That’s no way to run a business. There’re zoning laws, you f**king shrimp.

Yo’ Mama is so fat, she puts in tampons with a bazooka.