George Bush speaks Spanish. That’s why they love him in Miami — ’cause he speaks Spanish and ’cause he hates Castro. Won’t even refer to Castro as ‘president.’ It’s always, ‘Mr. Castro.’ And Castro refers to Bush as ‘El Pendejo Junior.’

Q: What is the difference between Bill O’Reilly and the Hindenburg? A: One is a flaming gasbag full of hot air, and the other is a dirigible.

You haven’t got a friend in the world/and you smell like rotten meat/You’re also stupid/my stupid, rotten-meat-scented twin/and you’re the reason Dad’s always always drinking/and why Mom is always drinking as well.

Dear Mr. Starr: The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.

I drive an SUV. My little hippie friend, Robert, told me that, apparently, my car rapes the land. That’s what he told me when I was giving him a ride. I was giving him a ride from Salt Lake City back to San Francisco. So I said, ‘Well, I could …

I just did a show at a country and western bar, and — this is true — I had been onstage, like, a minute and a half when I heard: ‘Never come here again!’ And I thought, ‘Oh my gosh, did I just say that out loud?’

Are you really that bald, or is your neck just blowing a bubble?

Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?A: Senator.

No matter what your problems in life are, I assure you: it is not the booze’s fault. Let’s get this straight once and for all, OK? You know what? If you’re a jackass when you’re drinking, it’s because you’re a jackass.

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box) Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed Spouse’s Name: __________________________ Relationship with …