There was a vampire who walked into a vampire bar and asked the bartender for a glass of hot water. The bartender asked what for, because everyone else was drinking blood. The vampire pulled out a bloody tampon and said ‘TEA TIME!’

A vacuum salesman goes door-to-door in a new neighborhood. When a woman answers the door at the first house, the salesman walks right in and drops cow patties on her floor.He says, “Ma’am, just to show you how confident I am in the quality of my vacuums, I’ll eat whatever …

— You’ve got a hole in your head.— You always hang around with two nuts.— Your closest neighbor is an a**hole.— Your best friend is a pussy.— Every time you get excited, you throw up.

Three guys begin work at a toothbrush company as salesmen. Each day, two of the guys sell twenty toothbrushes each, and the third guy consistently sells two hundred. The other two guys are jealous, but they can’t figure out his secret. Then, one day, they run into him at the …

One day a miserable toothbrush sits down and says, ”Sometimes I feel I have the worst job in the world.” Then the toilet paper yells, “Think again buddy!”

The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body — to be measured however they chose. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to …

A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel’s elevator. On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, “Georgio, $100 an ounce.”On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, “Chanel, $150 an ounce.”The old lady’s floor approaches and …

What’s invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts!

Why did President Clinton name his dog Buddy instead of Spot? Because he didn’t want people running around the White House saying, ”come Spot, come Spot!”

— Ghost Poop: You feel the poop come out, but there is no poop in the toilet.— Clean Poop: You poop, it’s in the toilet, but there’s nothing on the toilet paper.— Second Wave Poop: You’re done pooping and you’ve pulled your pants up to your knees, but something tells …