Some people hate bad waiters; I don’t mind them. My mother, though, she’ll tip a bad waiter a condom so he won’t reproduce.

The Dove Bar’s like an 80-pound wad of chocolate on a toothpick. If you’re not careful when you take it out of the package, you’ll snap your wrists.

Friends of mine freak out when I tell them I’m a good cook… Why would you be that surprised that I can cook? I’m a big boy. I can cook. It kind of goes hand-in-hand. You should be that surprised if I tell you something like, I don’t know, I …

Q: How do you make a sausage roll? A: Push it!

She says to me, ‘When I go on road trips, I like to eat only at Denny’s and analogues of Denny’s.’ Now, ‘analogue,’ if you don’t know, means ‘the same as.’ I had no idea. In fact, I’m so unused to hearing the word ‘analogue’ that I thought she said …

Have you ever noticed that there are few things in the world, short of actual material success, that can make you feel as powerful as eating an entire pint of ice cream in one sitting? Isn’t that the weirdest thing? You eat half of it: you’re a pig. You eat …

I had friends in high school that used to do speed. Actually, they used to take diet pills, cheap speed, and they talked me into trying it one time. They’re like, ‘You won’t want to eat anything.’ Didn’t have that affect on me at all — I just ate really …

We are the fattest nation on the planet. You know we’re obsessed with food when we come up with something called cotton candy. Who was so hungry they thought, ‘I wish I could eat my clothes’?

Q: What did the rug say to the floor? A: “I’ve got you covered.”

Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?A: Look for sesame seed buns.