Ladies, if a guy ever tells you he wants to cover you from head to toe in honey and lick it off inch by inch, that’s a man who’s never done it before.

Out in L.A., when girls are hungry, they’re like, ‘Oh my God, I’m, like, really hungry. I could, like, totally go for, like, a tofu brussels sprout lettuce wrap.’ I’m from Ohio. When I’m hungry, I’m like, ‘I can really go for some cow right now, just a whole f**king …

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had an eating disorder: reverse anorexia. It’s when I look in the mirror and think I’m really skinny.

Little things start to change in your life — like your socks start to get tight.

I tried cocaine to lose weight. It just made me eat faster.

Q: Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?A: It’s called Sosumi.

I think the holidays are important because that’s when you go home and do some alcoholic drinking and compulsive overeating with your dysfunctional families.

I was a stripper — in Russia. It’s a little different standard over there. It’s cool ’cause they put bread in your g-string — beats waiting in line.

White kids’ parents used to make some good cookies. My mother, she made sweet potato pie. She bought cookies, and they were never the good cookies. It was always the pack of 1000 that said: ‘Cookies.’

Sunny D tasted a little bit like a fat clown’s a**hole. I don’t know if you’ve tasted it. Who came up with Sunny D and was happy? Some guy was like, ‘I like the taste of orange juice and baby medicine. Can we combine that?’