I don’t want to lose weight. My tongue and my taste buds are the only friends I got.

I was at the doctor this week. He says, ‘Joe, you should really try and be the perfect weight.’ So I looked behind him on the chart, and it turns out, I’m still within the parameters of being the perfect weight. Apparently, I’m the wrong height.

Yeah, I was gang-raped by a dozen donuts.

If you eat a lot of spicy food, you can damage your sense of taste. When I was in Mexico last year, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

There is a baseball park in Illinois that is serving what is called ‘Baseball’s Best Burger.’ This is a giant burger. It’s smothered in cheese, covered in bacon and served between two Krispy Kreme glazed donuts, and it doesn’t stop there. For an extra 50 cents, you can actually have …

Afghanistan picking a fight with America — what the hell? They can’t afford cheese, and they want to fight America. You can’t fight America if you can’t afford cheese. First you get cheese, then you get cable, then you fight America.

What is it about McDonald’s breakfast? Do they have some magical, mystical biscuits and eggs that just disintegrate at the stroke of 10:29:59? Have you ever shown up at 10:27, 10:26, still been denied? Don’t you feel like Rosa Parks and your civil rights were violated?

Q: What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food?A: Gaelic breath.

Cannibal Son: Mom, I don’t like my brother anymore.Cannibal Mother: You shut up and eat!

We all know that midgets love pizza. That’s what makes them so easy to kidnap. Here’s what you do: you get a hot slice of pizza; you put it in the trunk of your car. You wait like five, 10 minutes, hide behind a tree, and that hungry little guy …