I’m watching TV with my father late at night ’cause he doesn’t sleep. And you know that commercial for ‘Save the Children’? The one that comes on really late, where the lady goes, ‘For the price of a cup of coffee, 67 cents a day’? My father and I are …

I met a guy in a bar, which is generally not a good idea. That’s like going grocery shopping when you’re hungry and you bring home stuff that you don’t need.

Halloween is pay day, folks. A lot of parents are strange; they say, ‘Ration the candy.’ I say, ‘Let them eat as much as they want — they throw up, the rest is mine.’ That’s how I handle Halloween.

I was tired, so I got me one of them energy drinks… They tell you they give you a boost, give you energy, right — give you wings? Yeah, if you drink one of ’em. What they don’t tell you: if you drink four of ’em, you’re liable to be …

I found out I cannot take my wife to a wedding that was better than ours. Oh man, we went to this real nice, fancy wedding — they had stuff like food.

You can’t get any more famous when you get your very own candy bar named after you. You know what Michael Jackson’s candy bar is? White chocolate, no nuts.

I stop at a Burger King. I wasn’t hungry; I just go in to harass the employees. I go and I address them by their first name. This confuses the hell out of them because they have forgotten they’re wearing a name tag.

Q: What do you get when you mix chocolate and Viagra? A: Oooh — Henry!

Q: How do you know if a chef is a clown? A: The food tastes funny.

Q: What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you? A: Nacho cheese.