The first thing I do after we order the pizza, I take off all my clothes. That way I don’t have to answer the door when the pizza guy shows up.

The minute they put the nachos on the table, everybody becomes an enemy because there’s all different kinds of nachos. Do you ever see those naked ones around the perimeter? Then, there’s that one big Powerball nacho that somehow is connected to all the other nachos on the plate — …

You know what’s great about being married? When dessert comes, you just shove it in your pie hole and you move on to the Promised Land. You just look at each other — we’re going to get fat and we’re still going to have sex.

Do you ever get the waiter who wants to tell you his name? I don’t want to know your name. I’ve got stuff to do. I mean, I’m a really nice guy, but I already have friends. If you’re going to Applebee’s to make friends with the wait staff, you’ve …

I only made it 11 days. I had to quit. I was backed up like the mall parking lot at Christmas time.

Do you ever eat chips and dip? That’s like crack, isn’t it? One bite and you’re totally hooked.

Being Puerto Rican in New York, I grew up — I swear to you — thinking that White Castle hamburgers was traditional, indigenous Puerto Rican food.

Q: What’s brown and lives in a bell tower? A: The lunchbag of Notre Dame.

Q: What do you get when you mix beans and onions? A: Tear gas.

You have a Slim-Fast for breakfast, a Slim-Fast for lunch; then, you eat a sensible dinner.’ How sensible are you going to be after eating powder all day?