I can’t get engaged because that involves calling people back.

My ex-girlfriend called. She’s getting married; she called to tell me. Yeah, she called. She wanted closure. I said, ‘What part of us not talking the last year seemed open to you?’

I hear from one guy — who I don’t even think I’m seeing anymore — calls me out of the blue and then says, ‘It’s only been two weeks.’ I’m thinking, ‘Two weeks?! Do you know what that is in girl years? We’re talking six, seven, eight, nine years, hon.’

At 18, I married a vacuum cleaner salesman with a lazy eye. Our wedding song was ‘Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad’ by Meatloaf.

My wife travels a lot with her job. She’s, uh, a drug mule. They are always on the go.

She admitted to me recently that when she first met me, she didn’t really like me very much. But luckily for me, she really wanted to stay in this country.

During our time together, I’ve experienced everything from premature ejaculation to erectile dysfunction and everything in between — not that there’s been all that much.

I’m like, ‘Honey, I don’t know how else to put it. I just want to make sweet love to my wife. I don’t know what else to say or do, just please, please come with me to the bedroom. Oh hey, check it out, what’s that on the pillow? Is …

Marriage? Sure. Dabbled in it a little during the late 80s. Wild stuff, brother, wild stuff.

The name of this song is ‘Things We Want to Know.’ The first verse is things men want to know about women; second verse is things women want to know about men. Here are the guys: ‘Why do you think you’re so pretty? And why do you wear the panty …