Two bats are going for their midnight feed. After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood. The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, “Where did you get all that blood from?” The …

Q: How do you know when it is cold outside? A: When your dog’s d**k is frozen to the fire hydrant.

My father was too cheap to take me to the big downtown aquarium. This cheap bastard, he would just take me to the fish market. ‘Look, Tony, there’s the halibut. Shhh, they sleep in piles.’ I’m like, ‘Dad, they’re breaded.’ ‘That’s their blankie.’

How many animals can you fit on a toilet ? One pussy and 1000 hares.

The mice climbed up the back of the refrigerator. They ate the protein bars. Now, I got these super-strength, genetically-altered mice running around my house, moving furniture out of the way. They are so massively big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.

What time is it when 20 dogs and one cat get together? 20 after one.

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, “I’m lookin’ for the man who shot my paw!”

Three nuns used to go to the church from their homes every day. On the way they would pass a house where a parrot lived. The parrot would call out three colors every time the nuns would pass by. They soon realized that the parrot was calling out the colors …

Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one says he’s going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, “I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck.” So the second hunter …

Three mice sit in a bar. The first one brags, “I am one bad ass mouse! In my hood, we have huge mousetraps. I take the damn cheese out of all of them.”The second one brags, “Well, I’m a bad ass mouse too. In my hood, I mix rat poison …