This guy was having a problem with mice in his apartment. “Dude,” he told a friend, “I’ve tried everything and those damn mice keep coming back.” “I had the same thing man,” his friend says. “All you have to do is stuff steel wool in their little holes.” “That’s it?” …

An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse. Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle’s butt and asks, “How high up are we?”“About 2,000 feet,” the eagle replies.The mouse replies, “You ain’t sh*ttin’ me, are you?”

Q: Why did the moron throw the butter out the window? A: He wanted to see a butterfly.

What goes moof? A cow with buck teeth.

How about we spank each other and call ourselves even?

Q: What do you get if you breed a pitbull terrier with Lassie?A: A dog that will chew your arm off and then run for help.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who died while drinking milk?A: The cow fell on her.

Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter? A: It’s too far to walk.

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Two, if they’re small enough.

I have a niece that’s an animal abuser. You ever see kids who love animals, but they beat the tar out of them? Right, she’s like, ‘I love the dog!’ And then she’ll tackle it and bite its ear.