Who had the biggest, creepiest, deadliest bug crawling on them without them even knowing it, and then the bug almost stings them, but for whatever reason doesn’t sting them and crawls off them and only you know about it?

I don’t eat chicken; I’m a vegetarian. I’m not a full vegetarian, like I’ll eat hamburgers and hot dogs.

Could you imagine the wonderful, beautiful poop that this thing must take? That’s why they beat their chest. I’d be beating my chest, too, if I had 60 pounds of crap comin’ out of me.

If you think about the animals we do eat, we only eat the dumb ones. Our three main meats are what? Cows, fish, chickens — all animals, I’m pretty sure, if they could talk, you could trick them into killing themselves.

Pit bull, that’s my dog of choice right there. I told my wife about it. I thought pit bulls had, pound for pound, the most crushing power in their jaws of any animal. She watches the Discovery Channel, told me that’s not true. No, the animal with the most crushing …

The snake jumps up to bite him; he blocks it away. He looks up and he goes, ‘Oh, he’s grumpy today.’ Yeah, he’s grumpy because you’re banging him in the head with a stick. That’s the number one cause of grumpiness.

Snails are untrustworthy because they crawl around with their houses on their backs.

It’s never easy putting a pet to sleep. That’s why we say things like, ‘We decided to put Fluffy out of his misery.’ No, what you decided was that Fluffy’s company isn’t worth $500.

I’m opposed to product testing on animals, especially in cosmetics research. What can we possibly learn from it? So what if a dog looks good in lipstick?

I’ve always found the study of language intriguing. I had a linguistics professor who always said, ‘It’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.’ I wouldn’t go that far. I think what sets us apart from other animals is that we aren’t afraid …