I like being married for two reasons: 1) I got really tired of dating, and 2) I got really tired of exercising.

Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?A: When you take it off, you wonder where her boobs went.

Marriage is clearly an institution that favors men. It’s a statistical fact that, on average, women who never get married live longer than women who do, but men who never get married don’t live as long as men who do. That’s why we buy women the engagement ring. It’s a …

Now I keep reading that I’m over the hill sexually. I don’t even remember having a sexual peak when I was 19; I just remember apologizing a lot.

We don’t notice the eyebrow. Once in a blue moon, when it’s that woman who shaves off her own actual human eyebrows and draws in the Halloween jack-o’-lantern eyebrows — those we’ll notice for about two seconds, then right back down to the boobs. We don’t care.

I hate it when you go to other people’s houses, and they make you take your shoes off before you enter the apartment. Because it’s like, ‘What if the shoes make the outfit?’ I always wear a basic skirt and a sassy boot or a chunky loafer — I can’t …

I got the classic Italian male body. I got the ass of a 270-pound man and the chest of a small Romanian gymnast.

Let me give you one word of advice: never go to a sex shop when you’re horny. You have no idea what you’re going to end up with — make a list; stick to the list.

Yo’ Mama is so old, she wears Air Moses.

I got my first bikini. It’s a three piece: it’s a top, a bottom and a blindfold for you.