Yo’ Mama is so fat, she irons her clothes with a steamroller.

You never see women going, ‘I am hammered, and I’m retaining water big time.’

God did not intend for a woman to weigh 90 pounds, alright? If you do, you are in third grade. Me, personally, I think the only thing that should weigh 90 pounds is maybe one full grown titty.

Three o’clock in the afternoon today, I’m downtown; there’s a guy standing in front of a fire hydrant, which is open just a little bit. He’s naked from the waist down, and in the spray from the hydrant, he’s shaving off his pubic hair with a disposable razor. Nobody is …

Yo’ Mama is so fat, when she goes to a stadium, she sits next to everybody.

A man walks into a pharmacy and tells the salesgirl that he’s looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him to the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were …

Yo’ Mama is so fat, when she went to St. Louis, she got stuck in the arch.

Last time I worked in a large venue was in Atlantic City. It was the oldest crowd I’ve ever worked for. I swear to God, I got heckled by a guy, and he said, ‘Take off your britches!’

I just got married a month ago. I feel good about that; that’s nice. I had to — I’m losing my hair; I got deadlines.

Diamonds are not my best friend. If we want to make it all about the ring, I’ll take a ring from a guy, but I want something cool in it, cooler than a diamond — like an mp3. How cool would that be? People’d say, ‘Let me see the ring.’ …