A gut — it’s horrible. It’s all I used to talk about. My wife hated it. My wife hated it so much that she left me in the weirdest way: by staying in the house and keeping all our stuff. I never thought of my wife as much of a …

Q: What happened to the man who swallowed his Viagra too slowly?A: He got a stiff neck.

There is a group of guys who love me. I’m six feet, and anyone under five-foot-two responds to me like I’m crack. And I’ve tried to date these guys, I really have, because they’re great people and whatever. But you know what? It doesn’t work. It does not work because …

Yo’ Mama is so fat, she has to wear snowshoes on dry land.

Yo’ Mama is so fat, she smokes hams after sex.

I just got back from a very hellish vacation with my family. My father took the entire family bungee jumping for my grandmother’s birthday — so she could try out her new hip.

I think the best way to stop a streaker is when the guy starts to streak, get all the security guards around, block all the exits and just let him run it out until shame sets in.

I buy a bathing suit every year. Why? Because I can’t get enough of the act of humiliation, ladies and gentleman. Generally, guys, do you buy bathing suits every year? No, of course not. You’re guys. You cut off a pair of slacks, call it summer.

You go to Colorado — some antithesis place, some beautiful place — you always see the New Yorkers at the airport. The whole family’s dressed in black because that’s our school colors.

Yo’ Mama is so fat, people use her butt cheeks for a ski slope.