Yo’ Mama is so fat, she has to call Sherwin-Williams to paint her toenails.

Cosmo was my Bible. This is the advice they gave: they said women should put on wet underwear under their clothes because this will make your dress cling like skin. I tried that. I walked into a party with wetness seeping from my clothes. You think my date thought I …

Q: What do you get when you cross a stripper with a model? A: A boner.

I just got back from Sweden, where I noticed a lot of girls are shaving their heads like Sinead O’Connor, which I encouraged. I encourage all natural blondes to shave their heads.

As far as I can tell, that is the only real advantage to being me — that I never have to see me, ever, ’cause my eyes are up on my head. If they were on my leg, I could go, ‘Oh, he’s goofy looking,’ but I thankfully cannot do …

Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to him and said, “Don’t you know who …

Yo’ Mama is so fat, she goes to the beach to sell shade.

I got a trophy wife. I know that’s not right to say, ’cause if you’re married that’s your trophy. I’m just saying not everybody got a first place trophy. Some people end up with a plaque. You marry the neighborhood hoochie, you get a participation ribbon.

You know the worst thing about having a weak chin? It takes me about three to four hours to change a pillow case.

Yo’ Mama is so fat, you have to slap her thigh and ride the wave in to have sex with her.