What do you call an alien starship that drips water? A crying saucer.

Teacher: That’s the stupidest boy in the whole school. Mother: That’s my son. Teacher: Oh! I’m so sorry. Mother: You’re sorry?

How do you confuse an idiot? Give him two spades and ask him to take his pick.

A man in a swimming pool was on the very top diving board. He poised, lifted his arms, and was about to dive when the attendant came running up, shouting, “Don’t dive ? there’s no water in that pool!” “That’s all right,” said the man. “I can’t swim!”

Fred: Did you hear about the Irish window cleaner who put a sign at the top of his ladder? Harry: What did the sign say? Fred: Stop.

Q: How many idiots who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Change it to what?’

Housekeeper: Professor, there’s a bill collector at the door. I told him you were out. But he wouldn’t believe me. Professor: No? Then I suppose I’ll have to go and tell him myself.

Say, your house is burning. “That’s okay. I got enough lumber in the attic to build a new one.”

Loomis: Does your dog have a license? Fenton: Hell, no! I do all the drivin’.

Did you hear about the dumb father who got up and struck a match to see if he had blown out the candle?’