You ever get a gift from somebody and, as you open up that gift, you involuntarily shout out, ‘Do you even know me?!’

Why would your friends make you wear an ugly dress? Because it’s their wedding, not yours. My friends weren’t even nice. They’re like, ‘Could the dress show more back fat? Let’s get these tighter.’

Yo’ Mama is so fat, the hippos at the zoo get jealous of her figure.

If you like ‘The Price Is Right,’ you’re either 90 or a pothead.

Yo’ Mama is so fat, the highway department makes her wear an “Oversize Load” sign every time she takes a walk.

You’re not like the other wenches. I could tell the moment I brushed your bodice.

I’ve never been to a moon like yours.

Hey baby, you look weightless to me.

Yo’ Mama is so fat, when she jumps off the high dive, she shows up on radar.

Yesterday I bought a cuckoo clock at an Army Navy store. Last night at 10, the bird chirped 2,200 times.