I was in the meat department, and I saw a guy in a white coat, blood all over the thing. I said, ‘Excuse me.’ He said, ‘I don’t work here.’

Last time they were visiting, he got pulled over by a cop and, in the middle of getting the ticket, politely disagreed and drove away.

This was a really, really big year for me. I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.

The only thing I liked about camping was the fact that you can be drunk and have dirty feet, and you still had a pretty good chance of hooking up. That’s a good vacation.

I dated this one woman — she had a tattoo above her left breast. I found it really hard to be intimate while Yosemite Sam was giving me the finger.

All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked — and they don’t know we’re bald.

They sold me a duvet cover, and I don’t have a duvet, I don’t think. Then, they started treating me like I’m the idiot. They’re like, ‘Do you have a comforter?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘Well, you have to protect it!’ I had no idea it was under attack.

Yo’ Mama is so fat, she makes Godzilla look like an action figure.

Yo’ Mama is so ugly, her portraits hang themselves.

I started dating this guy that I’ve known for a long time, and I thought, ‘Oh, this’ll be so great, we’ve been friends for a while,’ until he gave me what he thought was a compliment. He said, ‘Even though you used to be wafer thin and you’re not anymore, …