I’m scared of sex. You can get something terminal — like a kid.

I got my period today. I’m happy ’cause most of my friends got it when they were 13.

Little Jimmy had become a real nuisance while the men tried to concentrate on their Saturday afternoon poker game. His father tried in every way he could to get Jimmy to occupy himself, but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards …

A little girl at a wedding asked, “Mommy, why do brides always wear white?” “Because they’re happy,” the mom replied.

A teacher asked a pupil a question, but she could barely hear the child speaking since the other kids were making too much noise. In an attempt to quiet them, she said, ”I can hear voices!” Two janitors outside heard the teacher and one said to the other, ”Jeez, she …

What I want to do is marry a white woman, never tell her that I’m black. And then when the baby comes out, accuse her of being a whore.

I told my kids, ‘Look, you guys, if someone comes up to you at school and says, “Is your mom gay?” Look them square in the face and go, “Why? Does your mom want to date her?”‘

I was a senior in high school, and some friends of mine and I were driving over to Birmingham, Alabama, about an hour away. We were taking the big road trip over ’cause we wanted to go see KISS in concert — what white trash story does not start out …

I saw this little girl — she had sweatpants on that had the word ‘Juicy’ written across her ass, like, right across her ass. She was, like, seven years old, walking with her father. I think any father that allows their seven-year-old daughter to wear sweatpants with the word ‘Juicy’ …

If you’ve ever noticed — paid attention in any Amber Alert — you might have noticed they only kidnap the little angel in the family that everybody loves and misses. Why don’t we ever hear about them kidnapping badass children? I think people don’t report those Amber Alerts.