I’m slowly but surely making my way back to my pre-pregnancy weight because I live in Los Angeles and that’s the law… Gotta read the fanzines, though, that tell me Madonna and Elizabeth Hurley lost their baby weight in five days due to a strict regimen of chain smoking and …

My mom says to me all the time, she goes, ‘Tami, you haven’t met the right guy yet because you don’t wear enough lipstick or rouge.’ Rouge! I’m not sure if you guys know, but this isn’t even a product on the market anymore.

I was a real dummy when I was a little girl. I have an older sister who was a genius. Once a week, my mother would take us to the library, and my sister would get to the check-out, and she’d have ‘From Our House to Bauhaus,’ ‘German Architecture of …

Q: Why is six afraid of seven? A: Because seven ate nine.

I learned in my car that I could not have children. It was the day that I locked my keys in my car with the engine running.

I have a friend that’s a nurse, and she said sometimes women will put on a full face of makeup before they go under for an operation. This doesn’t seem right to me. My mother told me only two things to remember when I was growing up. She said, ‘One: …

Mothers, y’all get songs dedicated to you. Y’all got a song by The Intruders, ‘I’ll Always Love My Mama’… You got the song by The Spinners, ‘Sadie.’ Y’all remember that one? Fathers, what do we get? ‘Papa Was a Rolling Stone.’

I’m kind of weird about my glasses because my mother told me I looked bookish. We’re from the South, and apparently, if you’re a woman, you shouldn’t look like you can read.

We had our first two years ago — on New Year’s Eve. That’s a rockin’ birthday. Kind of f**ks any New Year’s plans I might have had for the rest of my life, but whatever, kids can be selfish.

You do comedy when you’re like me. When you’re Swedish and black, and you look like a Puerco Rican, and you mom’s a Jehovah’s Witness, who loves country western music, sends your black and white ass to an Irish Catholic school — you’ve got some problems, right guys?