My parents’ 40th wedding anniversary last week. I talked to them. They’re feeling old, but they also believe it’s never too late in life to do the things you really want. So, this year they put me up for adoption.

Ever do that when you were a kid — sleep in your bathing suit? I wouldn’t even take it off to go to the bathroom. I just moved it on over.

I took on a summer job this year. I’m working down at the beach here, and I’m a lifeguard. Of course, I’m working on commission. ‘Hey, you kids, go play in the riptide. Go on there. Daddy needs a new CD.’

They want to get back on their kids for screwing up their lives, so they’re your best friends. ‘You know, Grandma, Dad’s yelling at me.’ ‘Oh yeah? Well tell him he peed in his bed ’til he was 12. See if he yells at you now.’

It’s like they’re running a self-esteem LensCrafters: complete loss of identity in about an hour, that’s the way she works. I go home, everyone’s sitting around the table. They’re like a Hebrew posse. They attack from right to left.

You know how some kids are so bad, when they run around the house, you hope they bump their heads just hard enough so they’ll fall asleep?

What happened to good names? You tell me, in the last five years, anybody who’s been introduced to a baby named Larry. Bring me baby Larry. Show me a baby Glen. Who are we gonna borrow tools from in the future?

My brother had a vasectomy a few years ago. Yeah, he found out the hard way it doesn’t always work. And it can make your baby black.

You grow up; you watch sports. They’re all older than you. You’re a little kid… You want to be like Mike. You want to be like Magic — ’til around ’90, ’91 or so.

They show these commercials in always the same happy, optimistic mood, like women are all looking for the good news they’re pregnant.