I have this picture of my daughter on my phone — in the bathtub when she was, like, a year old. I showed this girl — I’m on line at the store — I’m like, ‘Eh, pretty cute?’ The girl just looks at me, goes, ‘Aw, is that your daughter?’ …

Q: Why is Tigger always so dirty? A: He’s always playing with Pooh.

I’m not athletic. I gave up sports early. My last bungee jump was birth.

A boy was at a public pool. The lifeguard blew his whistle at the boy and yelled, ”Hey! Don’t pee in the pool!” The boy replied, ”But everybody does it!” ”Not from the diving board!” shouted the lifeguard.

I got the four kids and a wife, which is five more than I wanted.

Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, “Congratulations, you’re the father of twins.” “What a coincidence,” the man says. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.” A little later, the nurse returns and …

Legendarily naughty Little Johnny sat in class quietly as the students were composing a poem with their teacher. When she asked for an F-word that rhymed with “duck” he waved his hand feverishly. The teacher frowned and passed him by. No kids, however, could offer her a solution. Finally she …

It’s always been a dream of mine to get the minivan. I don’t know about you guys, but when I was in a high school, my bedroom wall was covered in minivan posters. I had that popular one, where the pregnant woman is leaning against the hood, surrounded by 14 …

I don’t think I could raise kids in L.A., though. There’s choppers searching for fugitives, like, once a month. What do you tell a kid? ‘Daddy, what makes that noise at night?’ ‘Timmy, that’s the sound of poorly planned escape routes and the fear of being sodomized.’

The average teenager watches six hours of television every day. At least with drugs, you’re out — you’re singing, you’re dancing. You’re meeting people. You’re breaking into homes. You’re networking.