Have you seen the beauty pageants for the little girls, little five-year-old girls? They’re really popular. Last one was so big, they had to hold it in one mother’s personal emptiness.

My sister used to wake me up late at night, tell me it was time for school. Did that every night — drove me nuts. Of course, it was always a relief to find out it wasn’t time for school, but then I had to walk back home.

Our greatest weapon against teen pregnancy is instilling in our children a sense of self-loathing because we have an epidemic of young Americans who see their naked bodies and don’t know it’s the work of Satan.

I smoked pot as a teenager, me and some friends of mine. We used to try pot every day before school. After school, we’d try it again. You know how kids are — I tried things every day for a couple of years.

I empower my eldest daughter. I tell her to be proud of where she came from. That’s why I named her Uterus, Uterus Feldman. She’s named after her grandmother.

Michael Jackson, his lawyer, and a small, cute boy are on a plane when the plane suddenly develops engine troubles. “Bad news,” the lawyer said. “There are only two parachutes. You and me will go.” “What about the boy?” asks Michael. “Screw the boy!” “Do we have time?”

Trying to give my kids an education in Los Angeles is a nightmare. The guns, the gangs, the drugs — and I’m home schooling them.

A mother takes her four-year-old to the hospital to have his tonsils removed. She asks the the doctor if he could also perform a circumcision while the boy’s under. The doctor agrees.When the boy returns to kindergarten, a classmate tells him that he is also going to get his tonsils …

American teenagers are six times more likely to get pregnant than French teenagers. And what does that tell you? It tells you that American teenagers are better looking. But I say, let’s learn from the French — don’t hand out condoms to high school students, take away their deodorant.

What I’m saying is we were poor, people. I mean, blues singers would show up at our house when they had writer’s block — that’s how poor we were.