My kindergarten teacher was the first one to recognize something wasn’t quite right with me. She called my mama and said, ‘Ms. Kerwin, we’re sending D.C. to the house. We think he might be — retarded.’ She said, ‘Send him on home. I bet he won’t be retarded tomorrow.’

It’s weird, though, ’cause this is my first time job and everything, but I could’ve sworn I was making more money in college just working for my parents as their daughter.

My mama had a backhand that would cure most diseases.

You ever see the commercial where the little boy gets caught by his dad, and he’s like, ‘I got it from you, Dad. I got it from you!’? I tried that with my father. I was like, ‘I got it from you, Dad!’ ‘You been pinching my sh*t?’ I got …

They should have locked up the Ramseys a long time ago. I don’t know if they actually had anything to do with the murder or not, but you should have locked them up for dressing that baby up like a whore in the first damn place.

I’m from a big Irish family, which is cool. My parents had seven children, but I don’t think they wanted seven kids. They’re Catholic, so that means they love Jesus and hate four of us.

What the hell is a ‘time out’? When I was growing up, we had black outs.

We had a lot of assemblies when I was growing up at my school, and they were all the same. Every assembly we had they would always bring in some former drug addict, and he’d be like, ‘Yeah, you know, I was addicted to drugs for 20 years, and I …

Q: Why is the math book always upset? A: Because it has a lot of problems.

This is my second marriage, and I have a kid from my first marriage ’cause I like souvenirs.