I am half-black, half-Puerto Rican, which is messed up ’cause you know I was born a suspect. You know anytime something went wrong, they blamed the spigger.

I feel like, as we get older, we should have recess. Now that we have, like, wars and Visa bills, we should have 15 minutes on the slide everyday.

People think kids are the only ones that want to get out of class at 3 o’clock every single day. No, no — go see the teachers on a Friday at 3 o’clock. You’ll see teachers stiff-arming kids on the way out to the parking lot.

Q: Why did the boy eat his homework? A: His teacher said it was a piece of cake.

Kids are chasing me down. ‘Mr. Vallee, Mr. Vallee, what can I do for extra credit?’ ‘Jimmy, you got 98% in my class, OK? Unless you got Salma Hayek or a bottle of Captain Morgan in your backpack, I can’t do anything for you.’

Nowadays, you can’t let your kids watch TV. You don’t know what’s happening — a breast might pop out, somebody might lick somebody. It’s like, ‘Hey, turn off that damn Disney Channel.’

I had a kid who threatened to kill me one year because I gave him an F. Another teacher caught one of my students writing ‘Kill Mr. Vallee’ in his weekly planner in the section labeled ‘Weekly Goals and Objectives.’ And the school was freakin’ out. They didn’t know what …

Wilfred had just learned his ABCs and was very scared of reciting them in front of his class. He stood in front of the class trembling and began. “A B C D E F G H I J L K M N O Q R S T U V W …

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Old lady. Old lady who? I didn’t know you could yodel!

When you were in the gang then, you just had to look cool, just walk around and look like you were tough. Someone started talking about fighting — ‘No, man, I’ve got to go home.’