If we were hauling any more trash into the ocean, we would have been boarded by Greenpeace.

A woman goes to the doctor for a check-up. When she gets home, her husband asks her how it went. She replies, “He said I have the body of a twenty-year-old. Her husband says, “What did he have to say about your forty-year-old ass?” She replies, “Your name didn’t come …

I saw a guy today who had rings and hooks and pens and antennas hanging out his cheeks and his eyebrows. Looked like somebody hit him in the head with a tackle box.

Q: What is the difference between Cheerios and Georgia Tech? A: Cheerios belong in a bowl.

Oh, this is fun — went to a nude beach for the first time. Yeah, that’s what I thought. You ever been to a nude beach? Thought it would be all sexy and hot. Oh my God, what a flubber fest! Everybody who shouldn’t be naked is naked — didn’t …

Long Island — if you’re from out of town, how would I describe it? Well, every girl in my neighborhood looked like Kenny G.

Q: How is California like a granola bar? A: They both contain nuts and flakes.

Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Hella.

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?A: Not enough sand.

Q: What’s the difference between a bucket of crap and a mother-in-law? A: The bucket!