My favorite part about the state fair is the freak show. You ever see that? Where they have, you know, the Woman With No Head or the Lizard Boy? But where I came from in rural North Carolina, it was kinda different. It was like, ‘Behold — the Woman That …

There’s a lot of people I don’t think I’ll ever get, but always number one on the list is the I’m Gonna Peal Out of This Parking Lot Guy.

Man: You’ve brought religion into my life. Woman: Really? How? Man: Until I met you, I didn’t believe in Hell.

I’m not too crazy about my relatives. I love my immediate family. But don’t you look at your relatives, and you can’t believe you’re actually related to these people? I give blood four times a year just so I’m less and less related to these people.

When I was a kid, I had this one aunt who used to always call me by my brother’s name — I mean, a million times, every time I saw her. Finally, I just snapped. I said, ‘You are the biggest simpleton idiot pinhead I’ve ever met.’ She got all …

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:“Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?”“No.”“So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren’t sure the man was dead, were you?”“Well, the man’s brain was in a …

Q: What’s the difference between a bonus and a penis? A: Your wife will always blow your bonus.

This suntan lotion is confusing me. When I left about 10 years ago to move to New York, the highest suntan lotion number was 15. I get back — you know what it is now? — 45. A flannel shirt is about 30. Who’s this for — vampires? If you …

I am overweight. My whole family is overweight. We go to the beach, and people swim out to us.

I do not think of George Bush as an idiot, OK? I like to think of him more as an intellectual celibate.