Q: Why are there hardly any dental professionals in Arkansas? A: Because it takes 35 patients to make a full set of teeth.

There’s such a great emphasis, here in the United States, on looking good and feeling good — usually at an enormous expense to your personality.

I can remember when you were a little, short black boy with an afro. Now, you are a tall white woman with a perm.

Yo’ mama so stupid, she walked into an antique shop and asked, “What’s new?”

I just can’t compete with what Hollywood says is hot now for the ladies and stuff. My last girlfriend was totally into James Van Der Beek. Why? Remember when Hollywood hunks were supposed to have some kind of looks or something?

If you’re a woman and you get breast reduction, you need to donate those boobs. There are flat women out there, right now, who actually have to think of clever things to say in conversation.

Q: What’s the position to make ugly babies? A: Ask your parents.

I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.

I was on the highway — I saw the scariest thing in the world, man. I saw an Asian driving an SUV. Really, I just drove my car right into the guardrail, figured I’d save him some time.

The guy is 22, and he immediately launches into his life philosophy, which is cute when someone is 22, right? He’s like, ‘Here’s what I think about life. Here’s my big life plan.’ I was like, ‘You know what? I’ll see you in five years when you’re on anti-depressants and …