I have a roommate. Her name is Cathy. She’s petite. ‘Petite’ is the French word for ‘whore.’

This casting director, she says to me, ‘Al, I think you’re going to get some work because you’re off-beat good-looking.’ Which of course means, you’re good-looking — for an ugly guy.

A stoner stumbles out of a party and starts walking home. On the way, he bumps into a man who is bloody and mangled. The man says, “Call me an ambulance!” The stoner looks at him and says, “You’re an ambulance!”

Bob: “I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife.” Jim: “Great trade!”

Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?A: About three pounds, including the urn.

If I want to hear from an a**hole, I’ll fart!

Q: What do you call a clean idiot? A: Soap on a dope.

You’re so stupid that you had to call 411 to get the number for 911.

I got no special powers. I can turn water into pee, that’s it.

Once upon a time there were these two bums walking down the railroad tracks, and the first bum, Fred, thought he smelled a nasty old smell. He asked his companion, Jeff, ”Did you s**t your pants?” ”Hell no,” Jeff said.