It’s a gross city. It’s so gross. I went to use a pay phone tonight; I pick up the pay phone, I put it to my ear, and there was, like, jelly on it — well, that’s what it tasted like.

My wife is my best friend. I hang out with her all the time, which is good, but it’s also kind of bad to have a woman as your best friend. It’s been giving me an identity crisis and, worse than that, I’m pretty sure I’ve got a yeast infection.

What did Obi Wan say when Luke was constipated? “Use the F-O-R-C-E Luke!”

Little Red Riding Hood walks through the forest and sees a wolf hunched under a tree with its ears erect and its mouth stretched in a big grimace.She says to the wolf, “My, what big ears you have!”The wolf keeps grimacing.She says, “My, what big eyes you have!”The wolf grimaces …

The preschool teacher says, “We’re going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word ‘definitely’ in a sentence?”Mary raises her hand and exclaims, “Me me me!”The teacher says, “Go ahead, what’s the sentence?Mary replies, “The sky is definitely blue.”“That’s good, Mary,” says the teacher, “but the sky can also …

Little Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday Mass when he suddenly felt nauseous. "Mom, I think I’m going to throw up!" She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can.  Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes.  You can throw …

Why don’t little girls fart? Because they don’t have assholes until they’re married.

How do you make stew out of a leper? Put him in a Jacuzzi and turn it on full.

Q: Did you hear about the leper poker game?A: One guy threw in his hand and the other three laughed their heads off.

Q: Why did the referee stop the leper hockey game?A: There was a face-off in the corner.