One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing …

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming like the passengers in his car.

Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one, and everyone elses’ stinks.

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his brother in the jungle the other day?

Q: What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common? A: They’re both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you’re dead.

Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight? Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board, and I’ll sit on the couch while drinking beer and farting.

Q: Why is diarrhea hereditary? A: It runs in your genes.

Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common? A: Men usually miss them.

you grind your coffee beans in your mouth. you sleep with your eyes open. you have to watch videos in fast-foward. the only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake. you can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without the timer. you’ve worn out your third …

Juan Valdez names his mule after you. You chew on your roommate’s fingernails. You can jump-start your car without cables. You do twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in. You can’t remember your second cup. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your …