I don’t eat right. I had cheese sticks for dinner tonight. It’d be healthier to take a bullet. At least a bullet would go through you.

I had a chance to go bungee cord jumping last week. They make it look cool on TV, don’t they? You always see people doing those sports in Mountain Dew commercials: risking their life, sipping a Dew. If you’re jumping out of a balloon, hooked to a rubber band, Mountain …

Models can’t eat at all. They live off air and hairspray.

People are so backwards in Hollywood. Like, they take drugs right out in the open, but they eat in the closet.

We have so many nationalities. It’s gotten to the point now that you can go into any fast food place, and you can find out what kind of neighborhood you’re in just by the ethnic group that works there. It’s like, if Chinese people work there, you’re in a Chinese …

We do have something in common in that tonight neither one of us will be having meat.

Q: What’s the difference between pea soup and roast beef?A: Anyone can roast beef.

I like to buy a four-pack of toilet paper every time I shop, just so I can ask the clerk this judgment question: ‘Would you say I got the right amount of toilet paper for the amount of groceries I bought?’

Q: Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? A: It ran out of juice.

Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?A: A dic-tater.