You ever go into a restaurant — whether you want a Coke or a Pepsi, they always have the other one?

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

Fifty cents to use the pay toilets at Taco Bell. What’s Taco Bell telling us when taking a dump is 50 cents, but a Fiesta Taco is 39 cents? What is that — eat now, pay later?

I work with some women who are really skinny — really really skinny. They have this thing called ‘salad time.’ There’s a leader. ‘Salad time,’ she’ll say to the other ones, and they all get up and walk with her. They go get salads and bring them back and then …

Does anybody else’s grandparents eat the fake food? My grandfather was the worst because he had bad eyes and he was always hungry. I’m in a restaurant one time, we go to the men’s room — my grandfather was standing by the condom machine going, ‘Hey, this gum has got …

Denny’s has a slogan, ‘If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.’ If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks.

I saw the movie ‘Alive.’ Did you see that movie? The movie where the plane crashes, and they eat each other to stay alive? And I’m thinking, ‘Hey, this is one movie they won’t be showing on the airlines.’ No, not because the planes crashes, but the fact that the …

Your mother was the only one that knew how long you could wait after you eat before you could go swimming. My mother would look at me, ‘What did you have? Ham and cheese, mayonnaise? Thirty-eight minutes.’

He wakes up, and he wants a cookie for breakfast. He knows she’s going to say no. So, he comes to me at six o’clock in the morning. You’re an intelligent man. If somebody looks at you at six o’clock in the morning and goes, ‘I want a cookieee!’, what …

She took my son to Costco, bought 14 pounds of Oreos — saved us money somehow. I don’t know how. The coupon queen worked that out.