You won’t believe what I can do with a whisk!

I noticed your toast points from across the room.

Can I take your temperature with my meat thermometer?

You look like you’d like some stuffing.

Mind if my sous chef watches?

A woman walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts. The guy says, “No, ma’am.”

I’m an old school, hardcore political activist. For instance, I still won’t eat grapes because of the plight of the migrant farm workers. I also won’t eat raisins because of the older migrant farm workers. That’s how hardcore I am. I also won’t eat prunes. That’s for a completely different …

I was in the supermarket, and I had these two shopping carts full of groceries, and I was waiting in line. This guy got in line behind me, and all he had was a jar of spaghetti sauce and some spaghetti. He kept checking his watch and looking at my …

Q: What did the apple say to the orange? A: “I despise you for being different from me.”

Holding my nephew, I realized I’m getting older, and that’s a very strange feeling. And I don’t mind it ’cause now the simplest things in life make me really happy. I’m telling you, if I have a new box of breakfast cereal in the cupboard in the kitchen, I get …