My favorite cold cereal is the Grape Nuts. I love Grape Nuts — except, lots of times, I forget to put milk on them the night before I want to eat them.

After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, “Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And …

A diner yelled out, “Waiter! What’s this fly doing in my soup?” After taking a close look at the soup, the waiter said, “It looks like the breaststroke, sir.”

A diner complained, “Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!” His waiter replied, “That’s entirely possible; our cook used to be a tailor.”

You know how badly evolution is going now? Me. We’ve got me: I’m allergic to bread. Do you know how weak you have to be genetically for bread to be too much for you?

Q: What do you call an empty jar of Cheez Whiz? A: Cheez Whuz.

Q: What’s yellow and goes up and down? A: A banana in an elevator.

A man visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril. He mumbles, “Doc, I’m just not feeling well.” The doctor replies, “Maybe you’re not eating right.”

Have you been eating cake lately? You look a little crumby.

I didn’t even see the salmon on the menu because the salmon was on the section of the menu I wouldn’t allow my eyes to look at. People, you know you get a menu, there’s a whole page that’s not your page.