The bill is clearly on my side of the table. It was as far as it could be on my side of the table without falling over. It was like she was playing table football, and she won.

I’m not frontin’. I’m trying to order the cheapest entree they had. If they had cardboard, I would have ordered that.

Q: What’s the difference between a zombie baby and vegetables? A: I don’t eat my vegetables.

Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes? The police thought it was a cereal killer.

I’m not saying it’s right. I’m just saying, every night millions of people go to bed hungry, and every day we bury perfectly good cuts of meat.

Have you ever been drunk in the middle of the day? And I don’t mean a couple of cocktails with lunch — I mean like severely messed up. It’s weird because you can’t even properly relate to people anymore. I was like, ‘What do you mean I can’t get an …

Anytime there was a problem in the world, we’d send troops. Now, anytime there’s a problem in the world, we send food. Problem in Bosnia, we send them food. Problem in Somalia, we send them food. Clinton’s like my mom.

Sometimes I wonder, what would I get for my last meal? Probably Mexican food because it’s my favorite food. It makes you a little gassy, but so what, you’re going down in an hour — not a big deal. And then, they’ll be like, ‘Any last words?’ ‘Yeah, pull my …

I went to the Carnegie Deli, and I had one of the celebrity sandwiches. I had the Joe Franklin, and what they do is they serve the dressing on the side, and they comb it over the sandwich.

I actually dated this one girl — she was a vegan — one time, we were simply ordering coffee at a diner, and she looked at me, right in the face, and she goes, ‘Oh, I don’t believe in sugar.’ Bitch, it exists!