I was working recently in London — what a thrill, yeah. But I wasn’t used to their money, though, ’cause I bought this really decadent box of chocolates — the cashier said, ‘That’ll be 10 pounds.’ I’m like, ‘Rub it in, why don’t you?’

Q: What did the doughnut say to the loaf of bread? A: “If I had that much dough, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.”

You guys keeping up on that Jeffrey Dahmer thing, the guy that ate 17 people? You know, I could understand one or two, but 17 — you’re eating just to eat.

So I’m on the way in here tonight, and I see this panhandler, this homeless guy, right? And he’s trying to bum some change off me for food — while he was eating! Totally unprofessional.

It’s kind of hard losing weight, though, when every time you see a sign that says, ‘World’s Best Donut,’ you take it as a personal challenge. You’re like, ‘I’ll see about that. Oh, you’re right, this is a good donut. I’ll take seven dozen and a diet coke.’

Caught my last girlfriend cheating on me. She was at a Sizzler, laying in the all-you-can-eat salad bar.

There are people starving to death all around the world, people waiting for a bag of flour to fall out of a helicopter. I’m sitting on the couch, scratching my nuts, going, ‘This is ridiculous. You know how many beers I’ve had to drink while I wait for this kid …

There’s no relationship here, Travis. I tell you what I want: you go get it; I give you some money; then, you go away — like a food hooker.

Do you ever see your nana reach in for the good nacho with her nana hand? And in your head you think, ‘You son of a bitch.’ You don’t think, ‘Oh golly gosh, Nana. You’re a rascal.’ No, you think, ‘Nana is a son of a bitch.’ You don’t say …

Do you ever notice from the time you hang up the phone until the pizza guy shows up, the only conversation you have is ‘Where in the hell is our pizza?’