My husband’s so macho, he has five guns, a helicopter, a motorcycle; he used to be on a SWAT team; and he works the cattle at his mom’s farm. So, I thought, he’s either really macho, or he’s really gay and he’s overcompensating. He likes to clean the house and …
Přečíst celý »Victor Varnado: Black Albino, Ladies
That’s right — I’m a black albino, ladies. You know what I’m talking about: all the benefits of being black, without the disappointing looks from your parents.
Přečíst celý »Veronica Mosey: Online Dating in New York City
I’ve tried this online dating thing, and it’s so weird. The worst thing about online dating is everybody puts the same hobbies down. You know what the most popular hobby in New York City is? Hiking and biking. We live in New York — where the f**k do you hike? …
Přečíst celý »Vanessa Hollingshead: Standards for Guys
I used to want to meet a guy that was kind, warm, loving; now, I’m happy if the guy has ears — not that he’ll listen, but that he can.
Přečíst celý »Vanessa Hollingshead: I Want to Talk
When I say to a guy, ‘Look, we’ve gotta talk,’ what I really mean is, ‘We’ve been together for months. I’ve now twisted my personality into an emotional pretzel to accommodate your every need. I want to know your idea of commitment versus my idea of commitment. Are we getting …
Přečíst celý »Valentine’s Day Flowers
A man wanted Valentine’s Day to be special, so he bought a bottle of absinthe and stopped by the florist’s to order a bouquet of his wife’s favorite flower: white anemones.Unfortunately, the florist was sold out of flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns.The man asked the …
Přečíst celý »Under the Bed
Three guys all think that their wives are cheating on them.The first guy thinks his wife is screwing a plumber because he found a tool belt under his bed.The second guy thinks his wife is screwing a judge because he found a robe and gavel under his bed.The third guy …
Přečíst celý »Ty Barnett: Lois and Superman Divorce
Now that I’m grown, I’m scared ’cause I’m thinking Lois is gonna get half of those powers when they get divorced. And you can’t be Superman then, you know. It’s like, ‘Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound — every other weekend.’
Přečíst celý »Tracy Smith: Why Mr. So-and-So Isn’t Coming Over
Maybe Mr. So-and-So isn’t coming up to us ’cause he knows it’s gonna cost him $10 bucks just to say hello, and we’re gonna tell him to f**k off. And if we don’t tell him to f**k off, it’s gonna cost him another $20 to get the wrong phone number.
Přečíst celý »Tracy Smith: Shaving for a Hot Date
I even shaved above the knee for this one, you guys. Woo-hoo! I am feeling saucy now. You ever have somebody talk you into shaving the whole thing off? God, it looks so stupid. I look like a great big naked baby.
Přečíst celý »