How do you know that an auto mechanic just had sex? One of his fingers is clean

I have a snap-on gasket scraper, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Aw, is your engine overheating?

I’ll try to keep the air emissions to a minimum.

Yes, that’s a pistol drill in my pants, and yes, I’m glad to see you.

What is the difference between mayonnaise and semen? Mayonnaise doesn’t shoot down your throat at 40 miles per hour.

Remember Barbie heads? The girls do. The guys are like, ‘Barbie’s giving head now? I’ve got to go shopping.’

Hey, have you guys read that bald men make better lovers? Oh, well, ’cause I’ve been writing it everywhere.

Rich people are bad in bed, and poor people are good in bed. That’s because sex is free and poor people love free stuff. You will never get oral sex from a rich girl, but a poor girl will gobble your knob like a block of government cheese.

I just broke up with my girlfriend, and my father really helped me through the break up. He said, ‘Would you forgot about this girl? She’s no good in bed anyway.’