I was walking past a newsstand today and I saw the National Enquirer, and the headline said, ‘Rosie O’Donnell Breaks the Final Barrier and Tells her Kids She’s a Lesbian.’ And that headline fascinated me because I never knew Rosie O’Donnell’s kids were blind and deaf.

Q: What is the definition of indefinitely? A: When your balls are slapping off the cheeks of her ass, you’re in definitely.

Q: What is the definition of disgusting? A: Buying condoms from a secondhand shop.

Q: What is the definition of a chauvinist pig? A: A guy who hates every bone in a woman’s body except his own.

I had sex with a Japanese man once. It was great. He made me origami three times.

My new favorite holiday is Easter because I celebrated a little differently this year. I had an egg hunt — in my womb. It was great. A lot of people came.

I was thinking about the word ‘genitalia’ the other day. But, I thought, if we didn’t know what that word meant, that would be such a pretty name for a girl.

I don’t have casual sex, but I picture casual sex — like, me with khakis draped around my ankles on a Friday afternoon at the office. Long live casual day!

You treat my daughter with respect — you buy her breakfast if she puts out.

It’s the parents’ responsibility to sit your children down and teach them shame of their bodies.