If you’re black in America, you’re relatively well-spoken, well-dressed, well-educated, sooner or later you can count on one of your white contemporaries — with the very best of intentions — turning to you and saying something along the lines of, ‘You know what? You are so damn cool. Sometimes, I …

A man and his wife enter a dentist’s office.The wife says “I need a tooth pulled. No gas or Novocain — I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”“You’re a brave woman,” says the dentist. “Now, show me which tooth it is.”The wife turns to …

I was married at one time — which is not the same as having sex, but an incredible simulation.

I was in love with a girl. I thought we was in love. She said, ‘Tony, I think I want to see other people.’ I said, ‘You better look out the window.’

I just broke up with this girl, and she was really into sex games. Like, there was this one she used to like to play all the time — it was called ‘Sleep With My Friend Rob.’

Here’s a big thing if you’re dating or in a relationship: for God’s sake, communicate with one another. It’s so essential to any good relationship. Let me tell you what happened in my relationship. Six months into the relationship, I find out she only speaks Spanish.

Guys are so rude in New York. You could go out with your girlfriend to the club. You, holding her hand — another dude will walk up and hold her other hand.

We’re so creepy. We don’t even know you until we sleep with you. Until we have sex, we have no idea who you are. Once we get sex, we get clarity. We start seeing stuff we didn’t see in the beginning. Like, ‘I never knew you had one leg — …

Women, here’s a little advice on getting in the shower with men: ‘No! No! No!’ You know why we hate it? Because we don’t ever get wet ’cause we end up in the back of the shower. While y’all up under the hot water, we in the back putting dry …

I’d like to thank my wife, Cookie, for being by my side without crumbling.’