I’m at that age right now where all my friends are getting married, and I’m just getting drunk.

This year about five guys got fined $5500 apiece… ’cause they were wearing their shorts past their knees. Does anybody remember the 70s and the 80s? Basketball players used to play in Speedos and halter tops.

Young guys go chasing women every night. You do that, you’re called party animals. Do that in middle age, you’re called a lonely alcoholic.

I was lying in bed last night, I got scared: ‘What if I died right now from very immensely, incredibly delayed crib death?’

I know I’m not buying anything, and you know I’m not buying anything, but I want to know how much the sh*t I’m not buying costs.

I priced a pair of alligator shoes at $2,000. That’s $1,000 a foot, $200 a toe — add it up.

This girl I work with, she’s like, ‘You know what’s so awesome about you, Marianne? You just don’t care what you look like.’ Thank you?

For a $16,000 watch, that second hand ought to act like a damn second hand. For $16,000 that hand ought to jump off the watch and give you a high-five when your team makes a damn basket.

Yo’ Mama is so fat, her first word was “more.”

You ever go into a store, and they’re watching you? Watching you. White people stealing stuff — walking out with couches, refrigerators, TVs — and all we want is a paper.